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**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwRA_daddisowned in r/relationship_advice **

This was previously posted here over a year ago.


My dad disowned my sister and he is dying, how do i convince her to let him go? - 10/10/20

This is gonna be long.

Backstory: My family used to be really close but that changed in 2003 when my dad (55M) discovered that my mom (54F) was having an affair with John(54M) my dad's childhood best friend (he was basically his brother back then and he was my dad's best man in his wedding with mom). He begged her to stay and work things out but my mom ended up leaving him for John and eventually they got a divorce and my mom ended up marrying John 5 months later.

My twin sister Sarah(27F) was always the stereotypical ''daddy's girl'', dad spoiled her a bit more than the rest of us and she was basically his shadow back then and that's why was really surprising to us that Sarah choose to stay with our mom after the divorce. Back then me (27M) and her were the only ones to still live with our parents ( we have other four brothers ), i choose to stay with dad and Sarah choose to live with mom and in the weekends she come to stay with me and dad (i choose to stay with dad and i occasionally went to mom house) . To say that the divorce and my sister choosing to stay with mom fucked up my dad is a understatement, he tried to act like he was okay in front of us but every single week day for the year following the divorce i could hear him cry himself to sleep.

After the divorce the relationship between Sarah and dad didn't change that much, he started to spoil her a bit more than the usual and still remained the usual ''superdad'' showing up in every parent-teacher conference, ballet recital and soccer match and being the most present dad possible.

Things started to change when she ''suddenly'' changed her mind about Med school (our dad in an surgeon) and she always said that she wanted to follow his steps but mom and John ended up pressuring her to change her career path to become a lawyer (mom and John are both lawyers). During her studies John started mentoring her and they become really close, after she finished her education he got her a job at his law firm.

Onto the issue: In 2017 Sarah got married, my dad was absolutely thrilled about her wedding, he gave Sarah a blank check for her ''dream wedding'' (to be fair he did this to all of us, he really like weddings) but in Sarah case he was really excited because she is his only daughter and i always remembered him talking about walking her down the aisle (like every wedding that we went to he always said to her that he ''could't wait for the day to walk down his little girl down the aisle'').

One day before the wedding Sarah drops the bomb that dad and John will be walking her down the aisle together. Well, dad is the most non-confrontational person to walk on this earth and she expected him to just suck it up, he didn't do that, they got into a HUGE fight (first time i see he get angry) and in the end he didn't attend the wedding and John ended up walking Sarah down the aisle.

The fallout was Massive. After the wedding, dad and his side of our family basically disowned her and their relationship became non-existent. She tried to reach out after a while and make ammends several times but he simply didn't want to talk or hear about her. We expected him to turn around when she gave birth in 2018 but he doesn't even want to meet her kids.

Earlier this year, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and unfortunately the treatment didn't work and he is terminal. Even with that he still doesn't wanna see her again and she doesn't understand that. I am very close to my dad and this last few weeks are being really difficult to me how do i convince her to let him go?

tl;dr: dad disowned sister, sister is not accepting that, dad is now dying still doesn't want to see her, how can i help her?


UPDATE: My dad disowned my sister and he is dying, how do I convince her to let him go? - 25/11/20

Some people asked for an update, unfortunately, life isn't all about happy endings, this is a sad ending.

A week after I posted the original post my dad started getting worst, his health started declining really fast. We lost him exactly one month ago, it wasn't pretty (i never thought it would be, but I never thought it would be that heartbreaking), he was in a lot of pain, he been through so much in these last months, as heartbreaking as it was to us he deserved to rest, he was tired.

In the end, he was lucid enough to say his goodbyes to me and my older brothers, hearing him saying what he said to me, was one of the most painful and beautiful moments of my life, his words to me meant a lot, I won't say exactly what he said because I believe that it's just too personal. He said goodbye to my daughters (11mo and 2yo), it was just like when I was a kid, he gave them a kiss on the forehead, toll them to be good girls, and said that he loved them, it was something I won't ever forget, and it hurts like hell that they are so young to understand what happened, they still ask about grandpa and every time I try to explain to them that he isn't coming back they don't see to understand that and how can I blame them? I'm only 27yo, I honestly don't get it, I was supposed to get a lot more years with my dad, it doesn't seem fair at all.

The worst part was my twin sister Sarah, dad died without speaking to her, I tried to talk to him about her, but he wasn't interested in speaking with her. She started getting more desperate and ''suddenly'' he died (it was expected, but she was in denial), his funeral was beautiful, a lot of people shared their stories about him, it was nice, Sarah saw dad for the first time since the night before her wedding, she didn't recognize him, he was very skinny (dad was always a bit overweight, the famous dad bod, but he had lost a LOT of weight from cancer), she cried a lot during the whole funeral, mom and John tried to show up at the ceremony and my uncles were forced to kick them out of the funeral, good fucking riddance.

Dad's will, went as expected as it could, dad's family came from old-money (petrochemicals) so he always had a lot of money, he left a little bit of money and properties divided equally to all his kids (including Sarah), he left a trust fund (which was a LOT of money) for all his grandkids including Sarah kids which he never met, it was honestly expected, my dad never really cared about money that much, he just wanted us to be comfortable and assure that his grandkids all had something to support them.

The tricky part was the ''personal things'', he left a really big letter to all of us (except Sarah), it was really personal stuff, in my letter he spoke to me about our story, about my childhood, it was really nice, I must have read the letter like a hundred times and I cried every single time.

One of dad's favorite hobbies was photography, he was quite an enthusiast, and the subject of his photos was pretty much our family (when he and mom were together, later it turned out to be just me and my siblings) as a result of this we had a LOT of pictures from us growing up, he gave each of us a photo album and behind each photo, he wrote something (where it as taken and a few words), I was honestly very surprised with this, he must have done this long before he died, it was a very thoughtful goodbye gift, something that was very typical of dad.

Sarah didn't get a letter and her album didn't have anything wrote behind her photos and when she found out about this she had a mental breakdown, the regret was eating her alive (still is), she was admitted to a hospital and spend an entire week there, she is doing a bit better now, getting a little better every day, her husband and I are really confident in her recovery, she is sleeping and eating almost normally now, she still starts to cry randomly multiples times on a daily basis but it's getting better, at least that's what I am telling to myself.

Which bring us to last week, my wife and I discovered that we are expecting again, it wasn't planned or anything like that, my wife switched birth controls last month and she spends a week without taking the pill, is still very early in her pregnancy so we haven't told anyone yet. The thing is that I'm really angry, I'm angry that my future kid is not gonna be able to meet dad, I'm fucking pissed honestly, it doesn't seem fair at all, I'm angry and I'm scared, my dad was supposed to guide me in the whole parenthood process, he was teaching me a lot of us with my daughters, I'm fucking scared of doing this without him, I'm scared of not being a good father like he was to me because my kids deserve that.

This is it, folks, this whole situation could be a LOT better, I play the ''what if?'' scenario on my head every day, unfortunately, it doesn't change anything. This is honestly a bitter ending, doesn't seem fair at all, but that the thing about life, it's actually never fair.

I want to thank everyone who gave me advice and to everyone who reached out and offered their support in the chat, I was very lonely at that time (still am, haha, fuck this year honestly) it meant a lot to me.

Thank you, Reddit.


Reminder - I am not the original poster.

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